Time of the year again!

Wow, it's that time of the year again when you turn a year older and ask questions about life. Oh, is it just me?

I just read my entry 6 years ago, such a long time. It's nice to document experiences since it makes you relive the past especially happy ones.

Well, I turned a year older again today and just taking it slow. I had no definite plans for the day. I just know that I wanted to take my Birthday leave. My friend told me she stopped counting at age 22 so she is forever 22. Hmm, I think I want to be 24 years old forever because I felt young and free at that age. So I guess am 24 forever.

I just want to do all my fave things today and as I just checked the clock, the day will almost be over. Oh no, panic again. Do you sense babble again? I think I am notorious for it.

Seriously, I am happy in my current state right now. I have wishes and dreams but I just count my blessings. I am thankful for another year of life. If you read my previous posts, you'll know that I am ecstatic to find my passion and mission in life.

I hope in my next entry, it will be clearer to me.

So cheers to another year of love, life and success. I am determined to improve everyday. Ink blot...

Clutch and my driving so far

I learned from my driving lessons that the "clutch" makes the car move. My instructor taught me how to use the clutch to move the car without gas. He said it would be handy during bumper to bumper traffic. But my hubby said that I might end up to be a clutch driver.

I am trying to practice it but I still could not perfect it and it makes my leg hurt. That's why some opt for automatic cars. Well, I want to master manual first then automatic. Hmm, at least this pain is only temporary.

My sole concern now is steadying and controlling the steering wheel because I tend to react by moving the car in the opposite direction when I feel that another car might hit me. I know it's dangerous. I think I need more courage. God help me. I want to really drive this time.

Is there a pill I can take to give me courage? I am trying to analyze why I had the courage to ride a bike before and I realized that in a bike, you can see everything and can control your movements but in driving a car, you not only have to have presence of mind but have to do several things simultaneously plus mastering how to calculate all sides of the car. I cannot calculate yet and I always feel that I cannot fit or I might hit this and that so my tendency is to move far away, occupying the other lane. Oh well.

I need 1000 hours more practice. But I think, it's good that I want to learn, right?

The other day while waiting for my instructor, all the cars that were arriving and parking at our meeting place were all ladies bringing even SUVs. I thought to myself, if they can do it then so can I.

Tricia's successful surgery

After several months of dilly-dallying my guard dog's needed surgery for her Pyometra, I finally decided go on with it last March 19 in UP Vet Med Hospital.

Tricia, my 10-year old dog was diagnosed with Pyometra, an infection in the uterus and the only cure is surgery. But given her age, it would be a risky procedure. It took me weeks of check-ups/blood tests to finally convince myself that surgery was the only way.

Even on the dreaded day, I was trying to delay it. I arrived an hour late from my appointment and was asking too many questions that the Vet Dr. told me that I am causing negative vibes and stress to Tricia. I tried to take deep breaths and to think of positive thoughts.

Before the surgery, I kept on saying to Tricia that I will see her after her surgery and reminded her of her promise, 'to stay with me until her longest dog years'.

I kept on praying and literally did not sit down during the whole surgery. It was just 30 minutes or so.



Tricia while waiting for the lab results before the procedure.



The operating room.



Tricia with dextrose and 1st shot of anesthesia.



On-going surgery.



After the surgery, awake and recovering.

I am happy that I decided to push through with the procedure. Her uterus was really infected and needed to be taken out.

Tricia is recovering well and I am happy to see her relieved and happy.

Drive is to bike

I want to drive and I mean drive my own car. This has been a pending task since I don’t know when, part of my resolutions every year. I made some progress, a little, I have my license, took 2 driving lessons and even hired a driver to teach me. But when I got pregnant and was on bed rest for most of the months I lost all the courage again.

I remember when I was a kid, I wanted to learn to ride a bike no matter what. I didn’t care how many times I fell or hurt myself. I just wanted to ride. I demonstrated that much passion and courage that I learned fast and was good at it.

I wish I could still display that same passion in driving. Now, I am taken by fear, especially seeing all the crazy drivers out there.

But last January, I decided that I ‘would’ drive no matter what. Hah!

I made the first step already. I renewed my license yesterday so I hope I will be driving by the end of my leave.

This is the image in my vision board.

Time

Time. Tick tock. . . what are you doing now? 24 hours per day seems a lot of time.

In a day, someone can fall in love, discover a new thing, be disappointed, commit a blunder, make a decision, be a star, leave the earth.

The world is round, 7 continents and 196 countries. No matter the time difference, what are you doing with your time?

Time flies so fast when you are engrossed with something. Tomorrow may come and not. What are you doing now? Seize the day, they say but how? Make a decision to do what matters most to you today.

I often sit and wonder what other people are doing with their time while I'm just staring into space. People have different interests or shall I say mission and passions in life. Others are born geniuses, leaders, followers, rich, poor and so on but what matters is what you do with your life.

Am I using my time here on earth wisely? Why can other people be great while I just stay in the sidelines watching them? What do I need to do? Am I just meant to be like this? Or can I be the active participant in this world? I would like to be.

I would like to do something worthwhile and help others.

I envy people who are so sure of what they want to be even at an early age. It didn’t come to me as I expected. Until now, I have to admit, I am still finding my mission and passion in life. Until then will I be able to take an active role in this life.

But slowly, I am jotting down my passions and that includes writing (ever since elementary), Yoga, helping other people and “be a healing presence in the world” (I like this. I came across this in one of my readings about Yoga). I don’t know yet how I can marry all of these things and earn a living. Of course I am concerned with that. But they say you have to live your passions first then money will come. Let’s see.

I have always gotten what I wanted especially if I'm definite of it. I am that stubborn and I will do everything I can to get what I want. But that's the trick, I need to know what I want first.

I am at the stage in my life where I want clear directions, giving glory to God.

I am reminiscing, reflecting on past experiences, hoping to find my passion and make good use of my time here on earth.

Good luck to me.

*image from www.landingnet.co.uk/blog/internet-time-wasting/

My 3rd Pregnancy

It’s 2011 already and I don’t have my period yet. Gosh, am I pregnant? Worse, I cannot recall the 1^st day of my menstruation last November but I am certain that I had my period then.

The night of Jan 3, I finally mustered the courage to take a pregnancy test. Lo and behold, I had 2 lines but the other one was faint. Oh, what does this mean? I even woke my husband up. But deep down, I felt that I might be pregnant. I panicked… I am not yet ready. I still needed to cure all my vaginal discharges before I could get pregnant. That was what my OB advised. Plus, I had to take this test in St. Lukes to check if I have hypoglycemia. Oh no! So I decided to go for a check-up.

The next day I told one officemate that I suspect that I might be pregnant and then she told another and then another. Then, it was like everyone knew already. What I hated was a commotion without certainty yet, if you know what I mean. And so I headed to my OB lunch time that day. I showed him the faint line on the pregnancy test and he frowned and said the only way we can know for sure is through ultrasound. The Ultrasound showed no sac but there was an evidence of ovulation. Maybe, it was too early yet to see according to the Sonologist. My OB interpreted it as ‘definitely there is no pregnancy’ and so he prescribed me Provera. It was supposed to help me menstruate if I am not pregnant, but if I am it will help the pregnancy.

Ok so I am not pregnant. I felt relieved and happy. But my cousin posed the question: why did was my pregnancy test positive? It got me thinking too.

Before I went home, I bought half of the prescribed quantity of the drug then decided to Google it since I forgot to ask if it was safe for breastfeeding moms. For some reason, I fell asleep early. It was only when I woke up the next day that I got to research about Provera. It said that it’s bad for the 1^st four months of pregnancy and that it passes through the milk so not advisable to breastfeeding too.

I had a random thought or shall I say an inner voice tell me to take a pregnancy test again and if it’s negative, I will take the Provera already. So I took another and this time it was clearly 2 lines. I called my OB to say that I prefer to wait and see if my pregnancy will progress. He advised me to have another ultrasound after a week. I decided to move it later to Friday, Jan 14, hoping I will see more development. My officemates kept on bugging me to take it in the nearby clinic. And so I went but the OB I talked to wouldn’t let me do it since it’s just a week apart. We won’t be able to confirm the pregnancy yet since it would be too early for the heartbeat to show. I was advised to wait for another week.

And then the dreaded thing happened again. I had bleeding. I felt that it was plenty since I saw blood in the toilet bowl. I was not sure if it was implantation bleeding or did I get stressed that day? Could be too. My hands were cold and I had to be strong since I was still in the office waiting for my husband to pick me up. I called my cousin for some needed support.

The next day, I went for a check-up. My OB gave me Duphaston and advised me to take it easy and have my ultrasound next week. That was Jan 15, the 1^st year anniversary of Frather Suarez’s healing sessions in Landmark Trinoma. My husband volunteered as a catcher and his call time was 2:30 PM. He advised me to go with him and receive healing. He said that I will just be worried if I stay at home. So I went instead of rest at home. I waited for almost 2 hours at the VIP area and met some acquaintances.

The program started at 4:30 with some singing performances from Angelo and the Landmark Choir. Father Suarez also gave a short talk and by 5:30, the mass begun. Father Suarez gave a very beautiful and inspiring talk. He went on and said that it’s Jesus who truly heals and he is just like you and me.

After the mass, the healing session immediately begun, I was one of the 1^st batches in line for healing. For my healing, I wrote, ‘Difficult pregnancy and vaginal discharge’. Father Suarez read what was written on my paper and then touched the upper part of my tummy. I felt off balance all of a sudden, as if I was being pushed down. I felt an overwhelming feeling through out my whole body and I fell back slowly as the catcher behind me helped me lie down. There were tears in my eyes and I cannot explain the feeling. At first I cannot will myself to open my eyes and go back up. I stayed there for a while then I remembered that I had to get up but I was still crying. I looked for husband to say that I was done. He was still playing catcher to the others and just told me to wait for him in the mall.

I felt healed and there was some kind of renewed energy in me but I just decided to read in Fully Booked. After browsing through some books, I got a little bored. There weren’t too many open books in this branch so I didn’t have that much to read. Since my husband texted that the healing would take at least 30 minutes more, I decided to check out the sale in Marks and Spencer. First I had to have a CR break. The restroom was far from Fully Booked and I was walking slowly. So by the time I finished and was trying to find Marks, Dom was already looking for me.

Since it was the 1^st Anniversary, there was a dinner at the same healing area sponsored by the Landmark’s owner. Dom was able to get me a ticket and just said that we won’t stay long. The food by Via Mare was delicious. I met the other volunteers and even had a group picture with Fr. Suarez. Plus a cup souvenir too.

After that, everything seemed okay. I went on with work but was extra careful not to stress myself. I took a half day leave on Jan 21 for an ultrasound and check-up with my new OB. I kind of lost confidence with my old one. The scan showed the sac already and the size was 6 weeks 2 days with no heartbeat yet. So it’s waiting time again.

The dreaded thing happened again, I had bleeding again when I came home on Jan. 26. I did not know what to think anymore. I called my OB and was advised to visit her tomorrow. I immediately took Duphaston and lay down on the bed. I was paranoid since I thought I saw some blood clots already. I didn’t want to pee and just went when I really had too.

I dreamt of seeing the faint heartbeat in the ultrasound and so I was hopeful. But I prayed for God’s will.

My baby did not grow in a week’s time. It had the same size and no heartbeat yet. I was devastated. My OB entertained the thought of a blighted ovum but still wanted to be conservative. She injected me with Duphaston and was advised to be on bed rest for 1 week to cure the bleeding. Oh no, I was back to bed rest.

At first I thought that I am an expert at this but it was harder this time. I didn’t know if my baby was really alive. When I did this before, my baby had a strong heartbeat and I just needed to rest to heal the bleeding.

This was harder this time, the anticipation of the outcome. Chances were slim that my pregnancy will progress but I just held on to the Lord. I also readied myself for the eventuality that it might really be a blighted ovum. So I used this time to bond and do exercises with Nina.

So after several prayers, TV programs, sleeping and reading, the moment of truth came. It was really a blighted ovum, size still the same with no heartbeat. I should have been 8 weeks already.

I know I prepared for this but the truth still hurts. I know I got nervous at first since I wasn’t ready to get pregnant but I wanted another baby already. I was prepared to do everything it took for a successful pregnancy.

I guess God had other plans for me. I may not understand this at moment since I see this as another failed pregnancy. I even said to myself that my succeeding would all be successful. I felt the failure. But slowly, I am trying to look at the positive side.

I will survive this, I know with God’s help.

My Road to Recovery

It has been more than a month since that painful incident in my life. Now when people ask how I am, I can respond with: I am better. My crying times have lessened and were converted to moments of sadness but I always tell myself that my time will come. I have accepted what happened and as some say, probably it wasn’t meant to be, yet.

Who and What helped me move on?

Dominique, my hubby. He is always the stronger one. He kept me sane during my insane moments.

Honey Tricia, my pet dog. She helps me be happy by just being with her. And believe it or not she knows how to console me.

Family and Friends. It always helps to have family and friends who support and genuinely care for you.

Prayer. I admit it took me awhile before I talked to Jesus about it. I know I must be bad. I did not blame Him but sort of questioned it.

Counting my blessings. I have started to list at least 5 blessings I thank for each day. I picked this up from an article I read about Oprah. This helps me focus on what I have and not on what I lack. I also helps me to have a positive outlook in life.

Travel and beach. I went back to Cagayan de Oro with Dom last May 10. He worked while I immersed myself in the city alone. We also went to Camiguin for my much needed beach trip. It is an awesome province and I wish I could have stayed longer in White Island.

I plan to join Dom in his upcoming business trips while I am still on vacation.

Being busy. To divert my attention and make use of my 60-day leave, I made a checklist of things to accomplish. These included finding a new home for us, a new Ob-Gyne, and other pending things.

Time. Time heals all wounds and hurts. I guess my time alone, thinking, reflecting healed me. I cannot be lonely forever.