Life in a Blur

One day I am pregnant and elated. The next day I am not. Life happens so fast that sometimes you wish you can stop time or bring back the past. I just shouted out to the world: I am going to be a mom! Then the next thing I knew, I lost my baby.

My April 12 had a flurry of events that I wish they didn't happen at all. I woke up at 4 in the morning to take a leak, something that I dreaded since the night before I had reddish spotting. I was almost happy to see that I just had urine in the toilet bowl when suddenly, I secreted blood, red, thick blood and cried while uttering "no, no... baby are you OK?" I woke up Dom and told him that I had to be rushed to the hospital.

At the hospital, they took my CBC, urinalysis and tried to hear my baby's heartbeat using Doppler but to no avail. The resident doctor of my OB, checked my cervix and told me that it was closed but why did I have heavy bleeding. I was trying to believe that everything was OK but at the back of my mind I knew there was seriously something wrong. I called my mom and texted my boss that I could not go to work that day. The ultrasound was my only hope to tell me that my baby was alright. It took me close to 2 hours for my ultrasound, only to find out that my baby had no heartbeat. I could not describe really how I felt when I found out that they could not detect any heartbeat. I felt cold sweat and numb all over. I could not believe my ears. I cried and I cried and cried some more. But it could not ease the pain nor bring my baby back.

I needed to be admitted so my OB could induce my labor and deliver the baby normally. She offered to give me pain killers but I said I wanted to feel all the pain. Yes, I felt all the contractions even when my water bag broke. It was past 7pm when I was brought to the labor room to wait for my cervix to dilate to 5cm. After an hour when it was time for my IE, my baby came out on his/her own. I cried again and again that my anesthesiologist thought I was crying because of the pain. No, I did not cry not once because of the physical pain but something much deeper. I was rolled to the Delivery Room and cried again at the sight of the table for the new born that I would not be able to use.

I was asked to cringe on my right side for my epidural anesthesia. It was okay and very bearable. After about 30 minutes, my D and C was done and my baby was shown to me. My baby had deformities and the cord was twisted. My OB siad that it was a blessing since baby would not have a good life if he or she survived. I tried to comfort myself with that thought but it still did not ease the pain.

Up to now, I wish it was just a nightmare. I shed a tear almost everyday to ease the pain. But no matter how many bucket of tears I cry, the pain of a would be mother losing her child is still there. No words of encouragement or strength can help me at the moment. I lost every strength emotionally. Physical pain was easy to survive and even forget immediately. I don't want to be traumatized but I think I am on the verge of it. I try to close my eyes at the sight of babies or even children on TV. I even change the channel or fight back my tears. Dom seems to be stronger than me and I have mistaken him for not being affected by what happened. I read that husbands grieve differently from their wives. They usually try to be stronger to console their wives.