It’s 2011 already and I don’t have my period yet. Gosh, am I pregnant? Worse, I cannot recall the 1st day of my menstruation last November but I am certain that I had my period then.
The night of Jan 3, I finally mustered the courage to take a pregnancy test. Lo and behold, I had 2 lines but the other one was faint. Oh, what does this mean? I even woke my husband up. But deep down, I felt that I might be pregnant. I panicked… I am not yet ready. I still needed to cure all my vaginal discharges before I could get pregnant. That was what my OB advised. Plus, I had to take this test in St. Lukes to check if I have hypoglycemia. Oh no! So I decided to go for a check-up.
The next day I told one officemate that I suspect that I might be pregnant and then she told another and then another. Then, it was like everyone knew already. What I hated was a commotion without certainty yet, if you know what I mean. And so I headed to my OB lunch time that day. I showed him the faint line on the pregnancy test and he frowned and said the only way we can know for sure is through ultrasound. The Ultrasound showed no sac but there was an evidence of ovulation. Maybe, it was too early yet to see according to the Sonologist. My OB interpreted it as ‘definitely there is no pregnancy’ and so he prescribed me Provera. It was supposed to help me menstruate if I am not pregnant, but if I am it will help the pregnancy.
Ok so I am not pregnant. I felt relieved and happy. But my cousin posed the question: why did was my pregnancy test positive? It got me thinking too.
Before I went home, I bought half of the prescribed quantity of the drug then decided to Google it since I forgot to ask if it was safe for breastfeeding moms. For some reason, I fell asleep early. It was only when I woke up the next day that I got to research about Provera. It said that it’s bad for the 1st four months of pregnancy and that it passes through the milk so not advisable to breastfeeding too.
I had a random thought or shall I say an inner voice tell me to take a pregnancy test again and if it’s negative, I will take the Provera already. So I took another and this time it was clearly 2 lines. I called my OB to say that I prefer to wait and see if my pregnancy will progress. He advised me to have another ultrasound after a week. I decided to move it later to Friday, Jan 14, hoping I will see more development. My officemates kept on bugging me to take it in the nearby clinic. And so I went but the OB I talked to wouldn’t let me do it since it’s just a week apart. We won’t be able to confirm the pregnancy yet since it would be too early for the heartbeat to show. I was advised to wait for another week.
And then the dreaded thing happened again. I had bleeding. I felt that it was plenty since I saw blood in the toilet bowl. I was not sure if it was implantation bleeding or did I get stressed that day? Could be too. My hands were cold and I had to be strong since I was still in the office waiting for my husband to pick me up. I called my cousin for some needed support.
The next day, I went for a check-up. My OB gave me Duphaston and advised me to take it easy and have my ultrasound next week. That was Jan 15, the 1st year anniversary of Frather Suarez’s healing sessions in Landmark Trinoma. My husband volunteered as a catcher and his call time was 2:30 PM. He advised me to go with him and receive healing. He said that I will just be worried if I stay at home. So I went instead of rest at home. I waited for almost 2 hours at the VIP area and met some acquaintances.
The program started at 4:30 with some singing performances from Angelo and the Landmark Choir. Father Suarez also gave a short talk and by 5:30, the mass begun. Father Suarez gave a very beautiful and inspiring talk. He went on and said that it’s Jesus who truly heals and he is just like you and me.
After the mass, the healing session immediately begun, I was one of the 1st batches in line for healing. For my healing, I wrote, ‘Difficult pregnancy and vaginal discharge’. Father Suarez read what was written on my paper and then touched the upper part of my tummy. I felt off balance all of a sudden, as if I was being pushed down. I felt an overwhelming feeling through out my whole body and I fell back slowly as the catcher behind me helped me lie down. There were tears in my eyes and I cannot explain the feeling. At first I cannot will myself to open my eyes and go back up. I stayed there for a while then I remembered that I had to get up but I was still crying. I looked for husband to say that I was done. He was still playing catcher to the others and just told me to wait for him in the mall.
I felt healed and there was some kind of renewed energy in me but I just decided to read in Fully Booked. After browsing through some books, I got a little bored. There weren’t too many open books in this branch so I didn’t have that much to read. Since my husband texted that the healing would take at least 30 minutes more, I decided to check out the sale in Marks and Spencer. First I had to have a CR break. The restroom was far from Fully Booked and I was walking slowly. So by the time I finished and was trying to find Marks, Dom was already looking for me.
Since it was the 1st Anniversary, there was a dinner at the same healing area sponsored by the Landmark’s owner. Dom was able to get me a ticket and just said that we won’t stay long. The food by Via Mare was delicious. I met the other volunteers and even had a group picture with Fr. Suarez. Plus a cup souvenir too.
After that, everything seemed okay. I went on with work but was extra careful not to stress myself. I took a half day leave on Jan 21 for an ultrasound and check-up with my new OB. I kind of lost confidence with my old one. The scan showed the sac already and the size was 6 weeks 2 days with no heartbeat yet. So it’s waiting time again.
The dreaded thing happened again, I had bleeding again when I came home on Jan. 26. I did not know what to think anymore. I called my OB and was advised to visit her tomorrow. I immediately took Duphaston and lay down on the bed. I was paranoid since I thought I saw some blood clots already. I didn’t want to pee and just went when I really had too.
I dreamt of seeing the faint heartbeat in the ultrasound and so I was hopeful. But I prayed for God’s will.
My baby did not grow in a week’s time. It had the same size and no heartbeat yet. I was devastated. My OB entertained the thought of a blighted ovum but still wanted to be conservative. She injected me with Duphaston and was advised to be on bed rest for 1 week to cure the bleeding. Oh no, I was back to bed rest.
At first I thought that I am an expert at this but it was harder this time. I didn’t know if my baby was really alive. When I did this before, my baby had a strong heartbeat and I just needed to rest to heal the bleeding.
This was harder this time, the anticipation of the outcome. Chances were slim that my pregnancy will progress but I just held on to the Lord. I also readied myself for the eventuality that it might really be a blighted ovum. So I used this time to bond and do exercises with Nina.
So after several prayers, TV programs, sleeping and reading, the moment of truth came. It was really a blighted ovum, size still the same with no heartbeat. I should have been 8 weeks already.
I know I prepared for this but the truth still hurts. I know I got nervous at first since I wasn’t ready to get pregnant but I wanted another baby already. I was prepared to do everything it took for a successful pregnancy.
I guess God had other plans for me. I may not understand this at moment since I see this as another failed pregnancy. I even said to myself that my succeeding would all be successful. I felt the failure. But slowly, I am trying to look at the positive side.
I will survive this, I know with God’s help.