Eulogy for my Baby Angel!

They say it would be better to see your baby than to grieve for someone you just imagine. It would also help to touch and even bury your baby. Good thing I deceided to see my baby and bring him/her home with me.

After our Sunday mass, my parents, Dominique and I asked the priest to bless my baby and seek advise on burial. The priest suggested to bury my baby in our memorial lot, no frills but just to dig and lay my baby there to rest. My baby was less than 20 weeks so the hospital did not issue any death certificates.

I spent time alone to touch and talk to my baby before we finally laid her to rest in Loyola Memorial Park in Sucat, Paranaque. Below is the eulogy for my angel.


To my 16-week old baby, my angel,
I love you more than words can say.
You came as a surprise to me and Dominique,
A honeymoon baby, we would like to think.
We did our best to make you healthy,
Regular check-ups, maintaining a healthy diet, walking like a lola, preventing stress,
Shopping for a good OB to take care of us
But God had other plans,
When I have finally accepted and was proud of being pregnant,
He decided to call you back home
God had his reasons that I may not yet comprehend at the moment,
But I hope in time.
I will never forget you.
16 weeks maybe short but to me, they were the best weeks of my life.
Thanks for making us feel parents even for just a little while
And for making your presence felt even though I cannot feel your movements yet
You taught me to be sensitive and to appreciate babies and kids in general
I guess, you are just making me ready for my future babies someday.

I love you forever and will never forget you.

Life in a Blur

One day I am pregnant and elated. The next day I am not. Life happens so fast that sometimes you wish you can stop time or bring back the past. I just shouted out to the world: I am going to be a mom! Then the next thing I knew, I lost my baby.

My April 12 had a flurry of events that I wish they didn't happen at all. I woke up at 4 in the morning to take a leak, something that I dreaded since the night before I had reddish spotting. I was almost happy to see that I just had urine in the toilet bowl when suddenly, I secreted blood, red, thick blood and cried while uttering "no, no... baby are you OK?" I woke up Dom and told him that I had to be rushed to the hospital.

At the hospital, they took my CBC, urinalysis and tried to hear my baby's heartbeat using Doppler but to no avail. The resident doctor of my OB, checked my cervix and told me that it was closed but why did I have heavy bleeding. I was trying to believe that everything was OK but at the back of my mind I knew there was seriously something wrong. I called my mom and texted my boss that I could not go to work that day. The ultrasound was my only hope to tell me that my baby was alright. It took me close to 2 hours for my ultrasound, only to find out that my baby had no heartbeat. I could not describe really how I felt when I found out that they could not detect any heartbeat. I felt cold sweat and numb all over. I could not believe my ears. I cried and I cried and cried some more. But it could not ease the pain nor bring my baby back.

I needed to be admitted so my OB could induce my labor and deliver the baby normally. She offered to give me pain killers but I said I wanted to feel all the pain. Yes, I felt all the contractions even when my water bag broke. It was past 7pm when I was brought to the labor room to wait for my cervix to dilate to 5cm. After an hour when it was time for my IE, my baby came out on his/her own. I cried again and again that my anesthesiologist thought I was crying because of the pain. No, I did not cry not once because of the physical pain but something much deeper. I was rolled to the Delivery Room and cried again at the sight of the table for the new born that I would not be able to use.

I was asked to cringe on my right side for my epidural anesthesia. It was okay and very bearable. After about 30 minutes, my D and C was done and my baby was shown to me. My baby had deformities and the cord was twisted. My OB siad that it was a blessing since baby would not have a good life if he or she survived. I tried to comfort myself with that thought but it still did not ease the pain.

Up to now, I wish it was just a nightmare. I shed a tear almost everyday to ease the pain. But no matter how many bucket of tears I cry, the pain of a would be mother losing her child is still there. No words of encouragement or strength can help me at the moment. I lost every strength emotionally. Physical pain was easy to survive and even forget immediately. I don't want to be traumatized but I think I am on the verge of it. I try to close my eyes at the sight of babies or even children on TV. I even change the channel or fight back my tears. Dom seems to be stronger than me and I have mistaken him for not being affected by what happened. I read that husbands grieve differently from their wives. They usually try to be stronger to console their wives.

I'm Back!

Wow! It has been a long time since my last post and visit to my blog, amost a year! I even thought it was already deleted. Good thing it is still here and I am back.

Well, I am married now and expecting a baby soon. I am currently 15 weeks and enjoying every bit of my pregnancy. I am blessed to not have experienced nausea and actual vomitting, except for fatigue and minimal spotting during my first trimester. I think I haven't gained too much weight either since I can still fit into some of my pants and people still tell me I am not yet showing. I am, really if they just look closer and touch my tummy. Hehe.

For those who would like to find out what happended during my offline and silent months last year. Here are some highlights:

Wedding Preparations

Yup, actually since February 2006, I was busy with the preparations, shopping around for good suppliers within our budget. Well, we got all the crucial suppliers we wanted without going overboard. In the end, we were able to achieve the simple, elegant, practical yet meaningful wedding we wanted.

Wedding Day

Dom and I got married at 10 am last Decmeber 9, 2006 at the Nuestra Senora de Gracia Parish. Reception was held at the Mandarin Oriental Manila.

Honeymoon in Singapore

We spent our first days as husband and wife in the Lion City. We toured around, shopped and met up with some friends.

I think it's true that couples who go to Singapore for their honeymoon get pregnant early on. I can attest to that.

Last Hurrah or shall I say 2nd honeymoon in CDO

Elisa and I joined Dom on his a business trip to Cagayan de Oro from December 28 to 31, my last trip for 2006.

It was a blessing, that Elisa, my doctor friend could take a leave and was eager to go to CDO after watching an adventure of Dyan Castillejo in Sports Unlimited some years back.

While Dom was working, Elisa and I were busy planning for our adventure trips. We decided to book all our adventures for one day, December 30. In the morning we went to Claveria, Misamis Oriental for our Canopy Walk. After an hour of hiking, we rapelled 30 feet horizontally to the first platform. Each platform was built around trees 100 to 120 feet tall. To get the next platform up to the fourth, we needed to cross hanging bridges made out of steel cables and two-inch stepping bars. We were double harnessed but it was still terrifying. The bridge shifted with our every movement. If it weren't for my confidence with the Detour tour guides and the breathtaking view all around me I might not have survived it at all. We were also proud to know that Dyan was only able to cross 1 bridge while we crossed all 4 twice!

After lunch we headed to Cagayan River for our Pinoy Rafting, the rafts were made of 7 inner tubes securely strapped together. I was quite familiar with rafting as this was my 2nd time but it had an additional activity waiting for us: the the optional enrollment jump as they call it, off a 25-foot high Carlos Fortich Bridge, and the rock jump (graduation jump), off a cliff and into the river with currents. Yup, of course I did all 2 but oh boy, it took some time for me to actually jump. It felt great to be able conquer my fears.